JESUIT NOVITIATE: 8-DAY RETREAT
by Frank Savadera, SJ
April 8, 1999 (Thursday) – Start of 8-day Retreat with Father Danny Huang, SJ (Novitiate)
“None of us lives as his own. None of us dies as his own. For while we live, we are responsible to God and when we die, we die as His servants. For both in life and death, we belong to God that is why Christ has died for us and has come again. We shall all appear before the judgement seat of God. For it is written that every knee shall bend before me. And every tongue shall give thanks to God."
April 8, 1999 (8-day Retreat) Who are you? I am rotten to the core. I will not hide my sins from You, O God because you know everything about me. I open my life to you in all transparency … in all honesty. I surrender to you my many weaknesses, my frailties, my sorrows and pains. Please deal with them. Please deal with me, O God. Bless me Lord and correct my faults. Bless me with the grace to pray more, to honor You more, to proclaim You truly as my God.
I’m sure You know that I have not been generous of myself, O Father. All I’ve thought of these past years was what I … what my person can derive from my many circumstances; what material gains I can benefit from different situations. I am a person of greed. I am a person of lies. I am a self-absorbed person.
I ask You Lord to cure me. I believe in Your power to heal. I believe in Your influence and Your power to change my life. I throw myself before Your feet that You may deal with me most appropriately. You have drawn me Lord to this life and I’ve allowed myself to be drawn by You … only because I wished to express the deepest and sincerest desire of my heart, to love You and open myself up to You. Allow me O Father to receive from You the grace of strength and perseverance.
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April 9, 1999 (Easter Friday) – 8day Retreat (Novitiate)
Praise! Praise! Praise!
I was born to praise You O God and this is my purpose for being. I know it was not appropriate for me to read during this time of the retreat and yet I did read Carlos Valles’ book “Living Together.” And true enough, I’ve found You once again answering my many queries. At this time when I once again feel very reactive about community life, I try to ask myself: How come? Why? Am I praying enough? Hard enough? Lord, I must accept that I’ve never prayed enough, hard enough as You expected me to … as I even expected myself to. And no wonder things are just as bad … not working well as I originally envisioned them to be. Forgive me, O God for I’ve never been so untrue to You.
Praise! Praise! Praise! And yes, O Father You said: It is when people praise You that they triumph against their enemies … i.e., the Ammonites and the Amorites of the old. Joshaphat triumphed over the people of Seir after lining up his singers in the frontline, singing praises to You, O God. The walls of Jericho
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April 10, 1999 (Easter Saturday)- 8 day Retreat
“Sin? Again? God destroys Jerusalem
Yet, as You have said, O Father, I remain Your creature blemished and weak. I am frail. I am not worthy of Your love. Cleanse me. Purify me. Remove from me the pain of being enmeshed in my own recurring sinfulness.
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April 11, 1999 (Sunday) – 8 day Retreat (Novitiate)
For not condemning me for my sins, my heart is full of gratitude for You, O my God. Despite my many atrocities, my sinfulness … there You are telling me: “Peace be with you.” Many times have I deserted You, O Father. Many times have I run away from You. And everytime I slide into sin, I completely forget who You are in my life. All I think of is myself. Forgive me Father that I may reform myself. Forgive me that I may have the strength to veer away from my sinful compulsions. Forgive me that I may find the grace to continue living.
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April 12, 1999 (Monday) - 8 day Retreat (Novitiate)
“Magnanimity! Pusilanimity! Pettiness! Pettiness! I’ve been very petty all throughout my stay here in the novitiate. I’ve been inclined to see only those that are external … only those that I see, I hear and touch. I have been shallow, lacking in depth in my spirituality. No depth. No interiority.
Cautious … very cautious … segurista! I’ve been very much into guarding my real emotions … never expressing them …and making them known. I know that I love You, O God and I know that You also know that for sure. Your works truly affect me and yet why do I wish to always put up this stupid facade … strong and formidable enough for people not to see my truest feelings and emotions? Take this pretense away from me, O Father and give me instead the inner strength to recognize the real movements inside me. Let me grow in interiority. Love me as You loved Nicodemus, despite his being cautious like myself. In so doing, may I truly grow in openly expressing my love for You.
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April 13, 1999 (Tuesday) – 8 day Retreat (Novitiate)
April 13, 1999 (Tuesday) – 8 day Retreat (Novitiate)
Who is Barnabas? “Son of Encouragement.”
For sure, God wants us to totally be born again. He wouldn’t settle for us simply being extra nice or kind to our fellows. He wants us to totally be born again. Hope. There’s hope for everyone like myself. This promise is what we find in the character of Barnabas. And the Lord says: Be like Barnabas who encouraged, who staked everything for the Kingdom. He who encourages others to live the faith, to keep the faith … is the true disciple of Christ. Forgive me, O God for not being encouraging enough … for not being a disciple that I promised myself to be.
I’ve likewise found myself quiet, extremely quiet these days since after the mission trials. I’ve been thinking a lot these days. Am I being drawn to be more like Barnabas … to give, to give everything of myself to others? to fully enter the formation process? This would entail a lot from me, I know, that is, a true, sincere and complete renewal of my spirit, a reinvigoration of God’s call in my heart. Lord, I want to be humble for You. I want to be meek for You. I want to be kind and encouraging for You. I continue to experience Your call to stand by Your truest standards … of humility and spiritual poverty. I know that this requires from me losing more personal control of situations. This will be very difficult for me, O God, I’m sure You know. Stand by me, O Father.
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April 14, 1999 (Wednesday) – 8 day Retreat (Novitiate)
Today, we take a break from our retreat to bury Fr. Roly Bonoan, SJ. As usual, I once again took charge of the camera. A view from the camera’s viewfinder allows me to see what the Society of Jesus is about. Here I see brothers taking care of their own. We bury our own dead. I am now part of this institution. I am a Jesuit. These people are my family now.
The Book says: Who ever believes in Him shall not perish … The Greek translation, we were told by Father Danny, implies not only the preposition “in” but more importantly, “into.” “Believing “into” Hitherefore carries with it a different connotation. It now means “being involved in Him,” “being excited about Him,” “being energetic before His very presence.” Lord, once again, You call on me to delve deeper into Your heart and into Your life. Despite my personal limitations, You encourage me to believe and have faith, to keep the fidelity to the ordinary circumstances here in the novitiate, similar perhaps to that exemplified by the life of Father Bonoan.
From the sheer number of guests who attended the funeral today, I can almost understand how many lives the good father may have touched during his lifetime. People say that he was not really a “stellar” Jesuit, yet from the looks of it, he truly managed to affect the lives of many. Today, I thank you Father Rolly for making me love the Society of Jesus more … for encouraging me to pray more and to love God’s people more.
