Jesuit Novitiate: Mission Trials - January 31, 1999 (Sunday)

by FRANK SAVADERA, SJ

Today, with words from the Beatitudes (Matthew 5:1-12), we depart for our mission trials. Whew! There were plenty of things to finish before finally leaving (i.e., official tasks, Clipper article, Area-G assignments, etc.). At 6:00PM, Max ferries us to the port. The moon was at its fullest. Enroute to Cagayan de Oro were myself, Karel, Chris, Dot and Oliver. Jason and Javier left earlier for Zamboanga. As expected, we novices took the cheapest accommodations. The economy class was not as bad. I wouldn’t compare it though to the lavish Japanese vessel Nippon Maru which I was privileged to take some few years back. The top deck of the local ferry was nevertheless cramped with people speaking in an alien tongue (I’m sure, Binisaya); the walkways were crowded, as well with boxes and baggage that may well cause the entire boat to sink. The boat eventually left at 10:00PM toward a virtual unknown, into the stillness of the night, out into sea. At the top deck, we can feel the breeze touching our faces. Salty sea water occasionally splashes on us, as well. Hmmm … they don’t get this treat in First class.

Making Life Meaningful

Last 09 November 1998 (BREAKDAY from my 30-day retreat), a note was clipped on my door which reads:

"Frank, Thank you for your "thank you" (about the homily).  It was nice to be appreciated.  Hope you continue to appreciate.  It makes life more meaningful to others and also to you.  So, thank you! " 

The sender of the note would eventually pass on to me other inspiring readings.  Others may think of him as grouchy at times but I understand him very well.  Thanks Fr. John Moran, SJ for your simplicity and inspiring presence.    

Sapang Palay Youth Bukluran

I haven't yet attended the Youth Bukluran of Area G, Sapang Palay.  For the whole last month of July, the 'kids' were pestering me to join them ... and so I did this time.  The novices took the sidelines as members of the youth group facilitated the entire activity ... from the prayers to the discussions.  It was uplifting to know that I wasn't there to REINVENT THE WHEEL for them.  The work of the Spirit had indeed begun here ... among these kids .. even before the Jesuits were around.  The experience was truly uplifting.  


The Gospel was read and a discussion cum sharing ensued a la the 7-step lectio divina method we had picked-up from Father Schneider.  From the sharings, I've learned how each grapples with the many painful realities of life ... with poverty ... the lack of basic needs ... not having to study despite their noticeable potentials as persons.  Being with them makes me think of my own concerns and how all my struggles seem but simple.  God allows me to feel fortunate ... real fortunate enough to extend help to others.  Thus, I begin with a prayer:  God help them!  Help them find jobs or continue their studies.  Help them discover more about you during these trying times. 

I AM NOT OKAY!

"I WOULDN'T PRETEND THAT I AM OKAY ... BECAUSE I AM NOT."  The "I am okay person" in me had been struggling for days to deny such a thought.  But then it just came ... blurted out across the room ... sans the usual guilt ... amid the silence and probing eyes of my captive audience ... my batchmates who were unfortunately "required" to listen to my rants and murmurrings. I am sorry for them.  


The past two (2) months since we've entered the novitiate had been an enough eye-opener ... a time of endless self-discovery indeed.  Everyone's learning about EVERYTHING ... and EVERYONE.  For one ... our batch needed to learn ... and all too soon ... how LOVE and FRIENDSHIPS are LOST ... yes, even in the Jesuit novitiate.  I can understand how such a TRAGIC circumstance can be a source of learning for the six of us ... newbies ... who may well anticipate a "similar" development in our own dynamics as a batch.  It fascinates me to think how easy "solutions" to such "problems" are matter-of-fact-ly suggested alongside subtle assertions that we are different ... that we are 100% okay ... that we can never go wrong ... that we can HELP the situation ... that we can promise and make a pact to keep our friendships okay forever. Huh!!!         


Thus: "I WOULDN'T PRETEND THAT I AM OKAY ... BECAUSE I AM NOT."   I'm struggling with a lot of things and I acknowledge my many imperfections.  I need not fool myself in claiming that I can offer solutions to all the problems ... because I can't ... and I wont!  Relationships are lost and sometimes are beyond repair.  But isn't that a reality ... a probability even for us struggling to keep friendships intact??? 


Indeed ... THINGS CAN GO WRONG and no amount of sugar coating issues and denying the imperfections I see around me can help resolve things.  We cannot prevent HURTING ourselves and others ... and we do so even as we keep the best intentions in mind.  TAKE A REALITY PILL ... I tell myself as I continue to pray that I recognize all the more my imperfections and learn to face head on the challenges and realities that slowly unfold each day ... in this laboratory we call the novitiate.

PANDA 757 RP

"I KNOW YOU."  The phrase took me by surprise as PANDA 757 RP spoke to me.  His presence remains so overwhelming even as I write this piece.  Talking to one's BALLPEN can surely make one feel a bit schizophrenic.  I felt it alive ... moving and affecting me as I allowed myself to deeply contemplate the reality of that THING in front of me.  It's funny to think and realize that an object so taken for granted can actually assert its importance and influence in one's life.  Such is the case with PANDA 757 RP.  And it spoke:  "You have written much about what and how you feel.  You may have not expressed them verbally.  But as you write about them ... I have gotten to know you more.  Others may not understand you ... but I do."


I'm not sure if I would feel a bit surprised and assured (that because of our prayer workshop on "contemplation") I've established a relationship with a simple ballpoint pen.  A mere object had indeed come alive and my own life is not separate from it.  What about the other objects around me that I take for granted ... what about ... more so ... my God.


Indeed, as I am called to contemplate the world around me ... and acknowledge LIFE teeming in abundance ... speaking, relating and asserting not to be ignored ... I've thought of the God that I'm challenged always to contemplate.  HE SPEAKS ... and YES ... OVERWHELMINGLY!